I don't own that disease anymore. I was 12 when a primary care doc who is not licensed to diagnose mental health diseases said I was bipolar, put me on meds, and they made me suicidal..
I took an entire bottle of Prozac and tried to cut myself with a razor at age 12.
Again in my 20s I was put on meds and ended up taking several bottles in one night because I had been rejected by 2 people in a short time and I passed out for 2 days.
Woke up and all my muscles were weak, I fell trying to go to the bathroom and again trying to get a bowl of cereal, but somehow survived what should of killed me.
There were 100mg Trazadone. 25mg and 100mg seroquel I was prescribed 3 25s a day and 100mg at night with the trazadone to sleep.. Lithium to stabilize my mood I don't recall the dosage now, 25mg Celexa for my sadness and 8mg suboxens 2x a day to stop drug abuse, and throw in some Buspar for anxiety attacks.Those started when they locked me in a room by myself at the hospital, and made me get undressed and give my shoe laces and any strings.. I wasn't a fan of that entire process and ended up getting a shot in the ass to tranquilize me.
The meds had all had been filled that week but were definitely not helping. I had a big bottle of Vitamin water, power c, and gulped it all down, wrote a I'm sorry note and went to sleep.
Nobody knew about that attempt for years because I didn't want to go back to the hospital and honestly felt like no one cared either way.
I love my mom but she was underneath the room I slept in with a suicide note at the foot of the bed for 48 hours and so I didn't bother to tell her what I just did.. She had her own addiction at that time but had sectioned me to the hospital in Boston when I tried shooting myself with an unloaded gun weeks before.. She only found out the night I had her take me to the hospital to get off of drugs, and I had told the nurse when she asked in front of my Mom any thoughts of suicide?? It didn't work out too well thank God but I just assumed the gun would of been loaded when I found it under my Mom's bed. I looked in the mirror and pulled the trigger.. then collapsed on the floor in mental torture because I couldn't even kill myself right..
I have since found energy work and my dogs give me far more than what I need to live a healthier life and not want to die anymore. I do still have moody days, get sad occasionally, but definitely not like before. I've been through some big tests like my Mom and youngest Sister dying within a year of each other and I am still ok. No suicide attacks, no panic attacks, no weeks in bed hiding from the world.
I make myself record no matter what I feel and I show up for the people on my list who are hurting now. I just work and do and I know I should sit and process things, but it's happening slowly.
I can't do what I used to do anymore, I just won't let myself. I'd rather show up and try than give up and hide now.
My last real bad episode was right after my Reiki 1 class and right before my munay ki rites. I didn't leave the basement for 6 months. That's over 5 years ago now, I had wanted to die, but didn't bother because everything else failed before. There's one other near death experience from years ago but I'll save that for another time.
Basically..
A smile is a smile, you never know what is hidden underneath it. Be careful with your words and actions you never know who you are talking to and where they might go from that experience.
Try to communicate with compassion and actually tell people things so they don't go crazy wondering what's wrong with them.
I had been locked out of a house with no reasons as to why that night I went home and took all those pills.
I just assumed it was because I was a horrible person who should not be here anymore and turns out that person was just jealous and insecure and didn't bother to communicate with me at that time.
I also lost a ex boyfriend years ago who told me he would die without me, he did. I carried that guilt for years and chose substance abuse (same type that killed him) to numb that guilt, as well as other traumas from before then. I don't think are all appropriate to discuss right now.. I do know now that I didn't kill him, and that he was suffering before he even met me, but in the moment I felt like it was my fault and used it as a excuse to self medicate.
Growing up with addicts you don't learn great coping skills and I am not blaming or finger pointing I'm just stating a fact. I was never taught how to handle emotions and it was a laughing, sarcastic filled childhood where we all punched each other instead of loving, hugging and communicating with each other. So now I am learning how to do that with the sarcasm thrown in and the love being the primary focus.
I will have my book someday to share and tell all about the process of wanting to die every day to wanting to live and thriving through my spiritual awakening.
I don't want to be introverted and alone all the time anymore, but I've found it to be safer and helpful to my overall well-being to stay away from certain types of people and triggers to my mental health.
If you're struggling know that it gets better no matter what the mind says right now life goes on. People come and go. But you are the only constant in your life so fill yourself up with love and kick any doubts to the curb. You will do far better in this world.
Stop owning the dis ease and start affirming something in its place. I am balanced, I am happy, I am Beautiful, I am worthy of love, I am loved, I am healing, I am treating myself with love.
I really believe that all those years of owning a disease that nobody had the right to give in the first place created so much of my inner torture. How about she is a young girl who needs to express her emotions in a healthy way. That would have been a far better diagnosis in my eyes. Not here take these and numb it some more..
Telling a child that there is something wrong with their brain, and then expecting them to feel better is probably not the best road to recovering.
We need to start being more mind full of what we say and do. What we believe and who we trust to tell us who we are.
Like I said its been over 5 years now since dis owning that dis ease and my life has never been better. If you want to believe in yourself and heal yourself you can. If you want to believe someone else and stay numb you can, but I choose to be a balanced and a happy person today.
In Munay Namaste
Bridget Rau